Aw, crap.
We're in this together, right?
Do you have four men staring at your boobies right now?
No.
Yeah, just...
You know, we'll try it for one night, and if we don't...
Live.
..Iike it, we'll, you know, go somewhere nicer tomorrow.
This is actually happening!
We're never gonna forget this honeymoon.
Sorry.
We can show those paisanos how it's done.
Cockroach, cockroach, cockroach!
Oh, honey! Honey, honey! I'll get him!
Let's get outta here, please!
- We're checking out! - I don't wanna touch it!
Get it off me!
Thanks for the help, Daddy.
I miss you.
Honey, he wants to talk to you.
Can't you just tell him thank you from all of us here at the gorgeous Gianna?
Hello there, Mr McNerney.
please bear in mind that our daughter loves him, Dan.
Listen, Leezak, I don't expect a cracker like you to ever measure up
to anything approaching what I'd consider a good match for my daughter.
but I'll tell you what I do expect.
I expect you to pay me back in full just as soon as that silly-ass radio show of yours
yields any kind of reasonable income.
Goodbye, cracker.
Ass-bag!
- What was that? - He called me a cracker!
A cracker, honey!
He did not.
That surprises you? Your dad hates me. "Well, wonderful, wonderful."
He's got your whole family praying that this marriage fails.
Mom's never said a bad word about you.
Wow, pussy's never insulted me! Now I feel loved.
Like your father's never judged me?
No, he hasn't. Not once.
Maybe we should just have sex.
Call me crazy, but I'm just not in the mood to make love.
I'm not, either. but we haven't had sex once since we've been married,
and there is something very, very wrong with that.
And I have to tell you... It's not funny!
I'm sorry.
I'm concerned.
Let's go to sleep. We'll get a good rest, we'll sightsee tomorrow.
be fresh in the morning.
Fine.
And then we'll have sex.
Imagine Ernest Hemingway sitting right over there at the Caffe Florian,
just sipping a single malt, dreaming up his next masterpiece.
Those birds are psychotic.
History doesn't interest you at all, does it?
Huh? Yeah, it does. I wasn't an art history major, though, so it's not like...
You don't have to be an art history major to appreciate art.
- Whoa, whoa. - What? What?
Do you hear that?
The bells? No? What is it, honey?
What?
What are we listening to?
What? What is it? I can help.
- It's a message from God. It's a mes... - God?
There's a ground ball...
Jackpot!
Honey, we still have to see the Tintorettos.
Oh, the church art is unbelievable,
but it all kinda looks the same to me.
You know I love sports.
I mean, I'm a sports freak. but how often are we in Europe?
How often are the Dodgers on TV in Europe?
You're right. You go watch sports. I'll go see the Tintorettos.
- Honey... - Yeah?
Is this a loving act of generosity, or am I gonna pay for this later?
Does it make a difference?
I'm gonna make this up to you huge. Huge.
Tonight, everything is your choice. Dinner in a church, if you want.
- Meet you at the hotel. - Love you!
I love you.
peter?
- peewee? What a surprise! - What are you doing here?
- In Venice? - Yes.
Nextron's buying out Ferrugia Chocolate, so they sent me in to close the deal.
- Did you get that cognac I sent you? - Yes. I thought it a tad inappropriate.
I'm sor... I didn't...
I'm just trying to be the gallant loser here.
- peter... - Why don't we celebrate?
I'll take you guys to dinner.
I'm on my honeymoon.
- My honeymoon. - Right, right, right.
See? Yeah.
I can be so thick sometimes. I'm sorry.
I got a lot of work to do anyway, so I'm going to disappear.
but you guys have fun.
peter, wait.
I'm...
I don't mean to be rude.
You couldn't be rude if you tried.
How's the honeymoon? It's good? It's a dream?
- It's great. - Yeah?
- Oh, yeah, great. - Where's Tom?
Oh, he's at the church with...
He's a huge history buff. Yeah.
- It's good you guys share that passion. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Fredo, I need to know where that little signora is at all times.
Very bold, Mr prentiss.
The Dodgers won! The Dodgers won!
The Dodgers won, honey.
See? I knew you were gonna make me pay for watching the game.
No. No, it's not that.
We need to talk.
About what?
Have you always told me the truth?
Yeah. Except the time I told you I liked your brother Willie.
- This is serious. - I am serious. I don't like him.
- Marriage is built on honesty and trust. - I agree.
Did you ever do something that you wanted to tell me about,
but you couldn't because you felt bad about it?
And the more time went on, the harder it was to tell me,
and it turned into this big fat lie, so you kept not telling me about it...
Did you talk to Kyle?
- No. Why? - No reason.
- Does he know something I should know? - No.
- You covered your nose. - I had an itch.
You were hiding flared nostrils. What do you have to tell?
It's just
when bags died,
he didn't exactly die the way that I described it.
Him chasing the squawking pigeons off the balcony?
That.
What happened?
Well... OK, I'm reading my magazine,
and I'm focusing, and I'm really into it.
And along comes bags. He comes trucking over,
and he starts tugging on my ankle.
And I was, like, "bags, I'm..." I was like...
I think I even said "I'm trying to focus."
And he looked up at me and gave me the "Hey, are you gonna play with me or not?"
I was, like, "Yeah, I really just wanna read, though, bags."
And he started pulling at my ankle again,
and so I grabbed the ball and I was, like, "Go get it, buddy."
I threw the ball over my shoulder, it went out the window, bags dove, and he died.
You killed bags?
- It was an accident. - And you lied about it all this time?
- Actually, it was more of an omission. - No, it was more like a lie!
Where are you going?
- I have to figure out what to do with this. - What does that mean?
I can deal with you being cheap and a shitty driver.
I cannot deal with you being a liar!
Wait a second.
This started with you wanting to talk about something.
Well, I don't wanna talk about it right now.
So you feel guilty about something, too.
Yes, there is something I "omitted" that I don't wanna talk about right now.
You want a marriage based on trust and honesty?
Well, here's your chance! Come on!
Yeah, yeah, you got it! I can see it! bring it!
I slept with peter prentiss.
What?
- I slept with peter... - I heard you.
- I'm sorry. - I need to hear everything.
- No, you don't. - Yes, I do. That's what I do.
I need to know everything.
Where you were, what he did, how small his wiener was. Everything.
- I was helping on an appraisal in Seattle... - I don't wanna hear it!
- You slept with that... - It was a long time ago.
- When? - before we...
- Got married? - Yes!
- Engaged? - Of course.
- Got together? - Yes... No, no.
It was right after we met. My parents were pressuring me to...
Aha. Imagine my surprise.
I was confused. I'm in Seattle.
He asked me out to dinner. The champagne is flowing...
please, try not to break into song.
My feelings for you were very, very strong,
and I needed to know that they were real.
I wasn't brought up to manage feelings like that very well.
Yeah. You had a real tough upbringing.
- I need some air. - Yeah? Me too.
Happy now? You broke it.
by the way, peter's staying at the hotel.
That's funny!
- Hooker! - Murderer!
- What's the score? - 3-2, top of the ninth.
Are you American?
Good guess.
Where's Tom?
We don't feel the need to be with each other all the time.
I just find it odd that you're spending so much time apart
on your honeymoon.
Are you OK?
peter, just go, please.
Go.
- Why are you still here? - I won't leave you here like this.
Listen, I have a car. I'm having a quick drink at a friend's house.
Just take a ride with me. You know? Catch your breath.
I'll take you back to Tom.
- Champagne? - Sure.
And that's the ball game!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I love this song!
No, wait, I really shouldn't... I can't... No, listen.
bernardo Salviati can actually trace his family back to Machiavelli.
Wow. That's a big house.
Nextron's thinking of buying it, turn it into a resort complex.
peter, hello.
Good to see you. Bernardo, Sarah McNerney.
Tell me, pretty one, what brings you to Venice?
I'm on my honeymoon.
- Your honeymoon? - Yeah.
- She's so young to be married. - Why does everyone keep on saying that?
Where is your husband?
I'm going to meet up with him, you know, later.
I was married for 27 years before my wife passed away.
believe me, the first months are the most difficult.
bernardo here's a little bit of a romantic.
I love that.
Let's have a drink.
please.
You're on the radio? That's awesome!
So, when are we gonna go back to do the...?
Whoa, yeah. I can't do that.
Don't tell me all the cute conversation and air-humping is leading nowhere.
You mean when are we gonna...?
All right, so I'm gonna go and hit the... and then we'll do that thing.
- Cool. - OK.
I'll be waiting!
And the hits just keep on comin'.
Can I get the key to 209, please?
And do you know if my wife's up in the room?
A good husband knows where his wife is at all time.
And a good maitre d' answers questions when he's asked.
Look, I'm not gonna pay you for an answer.
In this case, you should.
Your wife is in a car on her way to Salviati's, with Mr prentiss.
Mr peter prentiss?
Of course. What's Salviati's?
One of the oldest and most beautiful estates in Venice.
- Maybe Mr peter will buy it. - Of course Mr peter will buy it.
All right, where is this place?
You can't go. You will be shot on sight.
OK. That's...
- When are they coming back? - They are out for the evening.
You know what?
I'm not gonna be waiting here for her when she gets back.
Oh, no!
I wanna say that word!
Sarah, maybe we should switch to water, huh?
I think we should go find Tom now.
That was the longest freakin' piss in ltalian history.
Hey, Wendy.
I couldn't find you in the crowd.
That's cool. You ready to go?
Yeah. Listen...
Why don't I just walk you back to your hotel and drop you off?
That sounds like a plan.
OK. What hotel are you staying at?
What hotel are you staying at?
The Gianna.
Oh, my God! Me too!
Oh, my God. This is like a Twilight zone.
I couldn't agree with you more.
We're here.
Damn, I don't have my key. Can I use your phone?
My phone?
Yeah, to call downstairs. For my key.
Oh, slow down there. I think you got the wrong room.
Oh, my!
Oh, God.
Insult me, radio man!
I'm on my honeymoon.
- I'm telling you... - You pig!
Thank you.
What? What?
- What? - I can't take this any more.
I'm on my honeymoon!
Calm down. You were just doing the same thing with Wendy.
You have no right to be angry.
- You slut! - Excuse me?
You had your tongue down his throat. I saw it out the window!
Did you see me slap him, then?
Don't give me that.
Some part of you wants him! Just say it!
Fine. I'm not gonna lie any more.
Certain things would be easier, given his background.
And a small part of me thought that I wanted that once. A very small part.
Why would you invite him on our honeymoon?
I didn't invite him. I don't know how he found us.
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe it was magic.
No, peter must be a warlock.
That's yours.
Yeah, sure. It matches perfect with my red leather panties!
OK, I met a woman at a bar. Nothing happened.
You picked up a total stranger at a bar, brought her back to our honeymoon suite,
and took off her disgusting red bra?
Nothing happened, I swear.
No, the bra just jumped off her bare naked breasts.
You sit there and make me feel guilty for a kiss, a kiss that I didn't even want!
Don't tell me you didn't want it!
You wanted it! I could see from the balcony that you wanted it!
I'm sorry. Oh, my God.
Son of a biatch!
- My skull is on fire! - Oh, oh, oh, OK...
- Who is it? - Room service.
Just... You just...
- No, go away! - Listen, I'm leaving.
Last chance. Come with me to Seattle.
Hello, peter. So glad you could join us.
Welcome to the honeymoon from hell, shitheel!
What are you doing, Tom?
I think it's time for peter and I to tangle.
- See? You have no future with this lunatic! - Shut up!
Tom, you're acting crazy!
Maybe it's cos I just got hit in the head with a ten-pound ashtray!
I gotta warn you, Leezak. I studied karate with a Chinese grandmaster.
Yeah? Well, I hope he showed you how to pull a fire poker out of your ass!
Tom, put the poker down.
Fredo, call the police!
Move, move, move!
You sat at our wedding!
You heard us take our vows.
And you still had the nerve to show up on our honeymoon
and try to have sex with my wife!
Run, you coward!
You stay away from my wife!
I didn't...
please, stop! That's my husband!
- Maybe they were right. - Who?
Everyone. They said that we were too young,
and that we needed to get to know each other better.
Maybe they were right.
Maybe love isn't enough.
What did he say?
peter just bailed us out.
Well, that's just jim-dandy.
Forget it.
- I'm going home. - Yeah, me too!
passports, please.
Are you leaving with any fruit, vegetables or currency in excess of $10,000?
No. No, but my husband does have two pounds of hash hidden in his rectum.
The first sex I had on my honeymoon was with a man named Santino.
And you're laughing?
Excuse me, stewardess. Can l...?
Can I get one of those doughnut pillows?
Yeah, right away.
Sweet girl.
Excuse me. Sorry.
I feel like we've been married for 50 years.
Oh, you should be so lucky.
- Tell me how peter ended up in our hotel. - Tell me what happened with Red bra.
What? What? What are you looking at?
- I hope you used a rubber. - No, I didn't! It didn't get that far.
- I hope peter used one. - They don't sell condoms that big.
That's funny. You hear that? We got a comedian on the plane.
- You want me to make you laugh? - Yeah.
I'm moving out when I get home. How funny is that?
- Great! - The second we get home.
- I'm done talking now. - Me too.
And that was it. Game over.
- What's up? - She came to the apartment.
- Is she there now? - No, she left.
- Did she say anything? - She took all her stuff.
That can't be good.
And she left you this.
What's that?
beer?
Come on, man. You're getting divorced. breakfast beer is a must.
- I need to talk to my dad. Give me a lift? - Sure.
Gonna tell me what you're chewing on?
I just don't know if love is enough any more.
What do you mean, "enough"?
I mean, even if Sarah and I do love each other,
maybe we did need more time to get to know each other.
So, what you're saying here is
you had a couple of bad days in Europe, and it's over.
Time to grow up, Tommy.
Some days your mother and me loved each other. Other days we had to work at it.
You never see the hard days in a photo album.
but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next.
I'm sorry your honeymoon stunk, but that's what you got dealt. Now work through it.
Sarah doesn't need a guy with a fat wallet to make her happy.
I saw how you love this girl. How you two lit each other up.
She doesn't need any more security than that.
Thanks, Dad.
Is it over?
Not even close.
What you do here, Tom Leezak? You no allowed here no more.
Open the gates, jack-in-the-box.
Me no jack-in-box! You jack-in-box! Go away now!
Don't make me break my foot off in your ass.
Look, Yuan, I just need to talk to her.
Relationship over. She no like you any more.
- Open the goddamn gate! - Shut up, Kyle!
Look, Yuan, did she actually say those words to you?
She say you have kikiwith bimbo. Same thing.
We are not leaving this intercom.
until Sarah herself confirms that she is shitcanning Tom!
We're not.
All right, that is damn straight! This is my wife! Now open up the gate!
Can't we give the guy a chance to explain?
Don't even think about it, Dickie.
Either you're gonna open the gate, or I'm gonna open the gate.
Either way, I'm coming in!
- We'll sic the hounds on you, Leezak! - bring 'em on, Willie!
What's going on?
You leave me no choice! I'm gonna have to ram the gate!
I am so down with that!
- What we do now? - Call the cops.
We call SWAT team on your ass!
I'm ramming the gate! I don't know if you're hearing, but I am going to ram your gate!
- What is the commotion in here? - Tom ram gate.
What the hell is this?
It's go time.
That is one strong gate.
Tom?
Look, Yuan, Willie, whoever else is listening...
You don't want me to be with Sarah, and I can't change that.
I don't know where we're gonna be in ten, 20, 40 years.
I don't know who we're gonna be.
I don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to give her all of this.
There are a million things that I don't know.
but there's one thing that I do.
And that's that I love Sarah.
And I am going to love her day in and day out
for the rest of my life.
Now, will you please,
please,
open the gate so I can tell that to my wife.
I'm sorry, man.
Sometimes when it's over, it's just over.
Drop the love bomb, baby! Yeah!
Now do you get it?
I love him, Daddy.
Then go get him.
- I'm sorry. - Me too.
I miss you.
I miss you, too.
I miss wrecking airplane bathrooms with you.
I miss sleeping with you inside a snowball.
And torching hotels in Europe.
I miss doing time in prison with you.
- Do you wanna try to....? - Definitely.